Crystal Methodology

A little back story on this one. I was dating someone that was addicted to Meth and like the rest of her family I couldn't fully admit she was addicted and hoped that my love would be enough but it wasn't and this addiction led to many issues in the relationship which involved personal attacks on my character, cheating, lying, and a level of empathy I wasn't ready for.

This story is about my perception of her, her perception of my perception of her, and my perception of her perception of me. I related this story in the shape of an hour glass where I sat on one end and she on the other and as our two perceptions come to meet in the center, they converge and mix.

So, without further delay...

Waking up I gather my thoughts from wear I scattered them the night before, perhaps it was the morning before.

I have to rush to ready myself for work but I can’t find me.

I prop myself up again

the haze runs through my body numbing any worries.

For a moment I’m not thinking

Then

Not hearing

And

Not seeing.

I sit in my bathroom trying to ready myself for the day.

Ten minutes goes by but the world has moved much faster and I haven’t even showered yet 

but no matter, I don’t need to right now.

Even the space between the  water  molecules is speaking and they don’t have anything nice to say.

My clothes feel damp again so I run them through the dryer to get rid of the wetness and finite  bug like particles along with the inclosed swirling muted fuzz noise.

It’s ironic that the keys are said to open doors yet I can’t find mine to leave the house, this place. This portal of impending doom and urgency.

I step outside into the tube that protects me from everything else. It’s just me and the others here. A phase in space and time separating us from reality. Only it’s not my reality but coexists along side theirs.

I know the ones inside this tube are like me so I can trust them but everyone else outside are trying to take me out of here and it’s not safe out there for me.

I am confused however, I see my daughter, my son, and my family out there and I can’t understand why they wouldn’t want to be in here with me.

Sometimes they can relate with me but they just shrug it off and that makes me feel crazy.

They don’t seem to care that my work bag feels like a 14 pound bowling ball 

or why my dog is frightened of it.

They must not see the creatures that she does that are hiding amongst us just outside our dimension.

So many people tell me what I should be doing and who I can trust and what certain people are doing behind my back but they all deny it when I ask them which means it’s true I can’t trust them so I don’t. 

I prop myself up again

the haze runs through my body numbing any worries.

For a moment I’m not thinking

Then

Not hearing

And

Not seeing.

I have to get away. I know this and I want to so I can fix myself and become who I really am.

I could have left in a boat with my daughter and everything would have been ok. We would have gotten to leave this forsaken place, this confounded world but deep down I knew it was wrong so I think I’ll go visit family far away. Somewhere that I won’t have instant gratification. Somewhere that somebody knows me and I know them. Perhaps my sister.

They say that people tend to trade or replace one thing for another. To fill the void or make up for some loss. I don’t know about that but it sure seems that way. When your own family could simply leave you with nothing in the freezing snow. It’s horrible to feel this towards your own blood yet it’s a blessing in a twisted way. As I am getting myself back to who I really am, she loses herself to the same devil. Poor choices and the carpenters cup is lost forever.

I practice real pleasure everyday. Let the real joys of life lift me up rather than trying to simply prop myself up and I now love again.The clarity is back. So many things I missed, took advantage of, neglected. But true love will always be there and I am fortunate to have been given the chance to really see it. 

Lucky to know that at any point I may have lost it.

It’s not regret 

It’s  appreciation that drives me to this new high. 

From the Lions Mouth

As you stand confounded, 

My thoughts are unbounded.

If you took a leap of faith I would catch you,

If you were to weep I would be there too.

Strands of your hair tangled in your tears,

Lands of the fair with no fears.

An embrace of unity beset upon a balanced union.

When happiness is in the fore, which shall come first?

Step firm with your best foot forward and support will follow right behind.

An intent unspoken, 

Like content unbroken.

Our dreams are hopeful and our hopes of dreams materialize

No distant too far and no time too long is the path traveled

Traveled to meet on opposite sides of a dusty gravel road

Waiting for the first one to cross to the other.

Face of a Ghost

Spirits saunter

Souls flaunt her

Love daunts her

A tomb

A grave

A catacomb

Headstones worn from tales bestowed

Chains of pain an love untold

Reborn Retold Returned

Eternity never loses its time

Time never knew love like this

The True Love

In the cold cold night I walk with all my might

A for-told bold love  on the wings of my dove

My soul calls yours and yours calls my soul

A million steps away a million minutes for bay 

Our touch and embrace of each others face

Resolve to the dreams we would live it seems

In the cold cold night I would conquer fright

For in the darkness your beauty provides my light

Queen of the Cliff

As the tides surge and the shores begin a new

She stops to see the beauty with change

She stops to see the beauty within herself

She sees who she is for who she is.

A beacon of light for a sailor at sea trying to find his way home

A magnet of force dedicated to the elements of life.

Her proclivities unseen by the ignorant

The ignorant unchangeable by her

She stands in stance of light as the darkness teases her vulnerabilities

She stands to dance with the light of fright

An unknown swell of a surf to consume her

An unknown tree of oak, aged with heart.

Pain

I’ve wandered this planet for almost four decades and came to that point in life where everything is something or nothing is everything.

The real meaning of searching for the impossible love. challenging fate as if I knew better than the plan shown before me. It was all just a tease and not really possible.

You woke me up but only to laugh in my face that I fell for it. You took it away before waking me as if it was a dream that slips away once awoken.

I’ve always questioned who you were and why you do things the way you do and people just say believe or have faith. 

I fully opened my heart like you asked and you took her away from me in this impossible situation we now face.

Every day that passes I beg of you to show her what you showed me. Every day I ask what did I do to deserve this trick you played.

Is this part of the experience when coming here? Is this what my specific selected role is? To feel pain in all forms possible? I guess someone has to and no matter who it is they will all ask why me?

You show your plans to people and for what? We follow them and we are the ones that suffer.

Imprinting Impressions

I wish I could be the one you dream of
I wish I could be the one you run to
I wish I could be the one you Turn to
I wish I was the only one you need

I dream of us together
I dream of us forever
I dream of us holding hands
I dream of us rolling in the sands

I wish you could see me
I wish you could hear my thoughts
I wish you could feel my heart
I wish you could hold my soul

I dream of what might be your dreams
I dream of futures passed with your hand in mine
I dream of passed moments colliding with beauty
I dream of dreams not yet realized

And I wonder... Is this a dream?

Into the Darkness

What’s it like awakening to the darkness into the light?

A compulsory shock of impulsive fright.

From my mind to yours a passionate compassion,

A midnight terror dimmed from the candle light of the dark night before,

An imagination restricted by hopes of imaginary dreams.

Catastrophic tragedies naturally beset onto us,

Forevermore has never seemed as nevermore.

For those who never saw before, forevermore will they see nevermore,

To glance into the future to see what’s in store.

I see not a future held up by pillars of four,

A destiny that is futile, a fate that is lost all the while.

Foregone has the past passed and the future futuristically fluttered before our eyes

Dim shadows dance on the walls of a bright tunnel that fade away to an everlasting light swirling down a funnel.

Go now for the smoldering wick has all but extinguished from a spark.

Divinely speaking words incomprehensible.

Tangible only by those with a grasp of knowledge from wisdom.

As altered as the state of consciousness we breed.

An unseen pattern that recognizes us before we them,

Sporadically we glimpse it now and then.

Comforted by repetition and consistency,

We play our game with proficiency.

No longer considering proclivities as theory,

We break the cycle of spontaneity with inevitability.

Her Cause and Effect

As the Sun rises and the days future is in my gaze

The words float in the air before my face

A structure of beauty forms from thoughts seen within

Blinded by the light of her smile as the words fall into place

Every character is a moment and each moment fills time and space

The Sun’s rays carve pathways through clouds 

Like her smile etches into my heart

Like her heart etches into my mind

Time and space vanish from our reality as the dawn awakes from the dark 

As future becomes present and the present fades away.

Fresh From The Depths

The early morning darkness is awakened

As the midnight demons are forsaken

Sun rays steam across a frozen lake 

Carving it’s light into an icy soul

Spirits dance with the rising fog they make

Coming together as one conscious that is whole

My words so often mistaken

My third eye has awakened

Neglect

I hear you speaking but not to me

I hear you laugh but not to me

I hear you cuddle but not with me

A new unspoken deep love fighting to break out from my heart

I wonder is it the same for you?

Do you no longer think about me as much as I think about you?

Even just a short five minutes of us brightens my day with hope and love

An intimate frustration building up to madness

A passing by kiss or hug leaves feelings of confusion

Is it hidden or is it to be safe?

Am I just hurting from my own thoughts of what is neglect and is it my own neglect I’m creating

Am I craving attention I don’t deserve or am I craving too much from a love that is more pure than any thought I’ve ever had?

Is it too much now to ask for?

Is it too much too pray for?

It must be my own neglect, It must be my self torture.

It must be my own.