This story is about my perception of her, her perception of my perception of her, and my perception of her perception of me. I related this story in the shape of an hour glass where I sat on one end and she on the other and as our two perceptions come to meet in the center, they converge and mix.
So, without further delay...
Waking up I gather my thoughts from wear I scattered them the night before, perhaps it was the morning before.
I have to rush to ready myself for work but I can’t find me.
I prop myself up again
the haze runs through my body numbing any worries.
For a moment I’m not thinking
Then
Not hearing
And
Not seeing.
I sit in my bathroom trying to ready myself for the day.
Ten minutes goes by but the world has moved much faster and I haven’t even showered yet
but no matter, I don’t need to right now.
Even the space between the water molecules is speaking and they don’t have anything nice to say.
My clothes feel damp again so I run them through the dryer to get rid of the wetness and finite bug like particles along with the inclosed swirling muted fuzz noise.
It’s ironic that the keys are said to open doors yet I can’t find mine to leave the house, this place. This portal of impending doom and urgency.
I step outside into the tube that protects me from everything else. It’s just me and the others here. A phase in space and time separating us from reality. Only it’s not my reality but coexists along side theirs.
I know the ones inside this tube are like me so I can trust them but everyone else outside are trying to take me out of here and it’s not safe out there for me.
I am confused however, I see my daughter, my son, and my family out there and I can’t understand why they wouldn’t want to be in here with me.
Sometimes they can relate with me but they just shrug it off and that makes me feel crazy.
They don’t seem to care that my work bag feels like a 14 pound bowling ball
or why my dog is frightened of it.
They must not see the creatures that she does that are hiding amongst us just outside our dimension.
So many people tell me what I should be doing and who I can trust and what certain people are doing behind my back but they all deny it when I ask them which means it’s true I can’t trust them so I don’t.
I prop myself up again
the haze runs through my body numbing any worries.
For a moment I’m not thinking
Then
Not hearing
And
Not seeing.
I have to get away. I know this and I want to so I can fix myself and become who I really am.
I could have left in a boat with my daughter and everything would have been ok. We would have gotten to leave this forsaken place, this confounded world but deep down I knew it was wrong so I think I’ll go visit family far away. Somewhere that I won’t have instant gratification. Somewhere that somebody knows me and I know them. Perhaps my sister.
They say that people tend to trade or replace one thing for another. To fill the void or make up for some loss. I don’t know about that but it sure seems that way. When your own family could simply leave you with nothing in the freezing snow. It’s horrible to feel this towards your own blood yet it’s a blessing in a twisted way. As I am getting myself back to who I really am, she loses herself to the same devil. Poor choices and the carpenters cup is lost forever.
I practice real pleasure everyday. Let the real joys of life lift me up rather than trying to simply prop myself up and I now love again.The clarity is back. So many things I missed, took advantage of, neglected. But true love will always be there and I am fortunate to have been given the chance to really see it.
Lucky to know that at any point I may have lost it.
It’s not regret
It’s appreciation that drives me to this new high.
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